Monody
by Faelai
Summary: Following with the Requiem theme, a vignette set during Requiem from Mulder's pov.


Author's notes: I know everyone is going Requiem crazy lately with all the fic (myself included) but I started thinking about the episode and after watching the great bedroom scene one more time I sat down and realized that I have never written a vignette during an episode. Now that I've scratched that one off my list with this little piece, I feel better. 

Disclaimer: Don't belong to me, I'm just borrowing their minds for a bit ; }

Category: MSR

Spoilers: Well being set _during_ Requiem and all, I'm gonna have to say Requiem here, also the pilot episode, Memento Mori, Home, Emily, Fight the Future and All Things.

Rating: PG

Monody is a synomyn for Requiem

Monody

There is a knock on my door and I glance up from the files that are strewn about the bed. "Who is it?" I call, already knowing the answer. I have this knack for knowing whenever Scully is around, I think it comes from years of searching, Scully has remained the one person by my side, and I always seem to know when she is near.

"It's me," my partner's voice comes from the other side, yet I can't help but be surprised to see Scully standing on the stoop, shivering. 

At first glance I am struck by an overwhelming sense of deja vu. Of another time when she had stood here, in a hotel just like this, in the entrance to a room just like this, here in Oregon, seven years ago. Scully had stood shivering and clad only in a robe. I feel the tiniest bit of surprise, and regret, when she doesn't come barreling into my room this time shedding her clothes. 

I take in her stoic appearance and am immediately concerned, her face is paler than usual and her arms are clasped about herself. Her cool azure eyes are bright and I frown at the possibility of fever. Anyone else would never know that there was something wrong with her, but Scully is the other half of my soul, lately I can tell when she is suffering before I think she even knows. 

"Scully what's wrong? You look sick," I find my voice as I gaze at her. Without thinking I reach out and touch her arm, she trembles slightly under my fingers but doesn't pull away, 

"I don't know what's wrong," she murmurs, I frown slightly and pull her inside without another thought. She accepts my touch without a word and shakes her head as I usher her in the room. "I was getting ready for bed and I just got really dizzy, vertigo or something, and I just started getting chills" she sits down on the bed as she speaks, swallowing hard and I reach for a blanket to cover her.

"You want me to call a doctor?" I ask softly, knowing that she will refuse. Scully is a doctor herself, and I think she's afraid of something serious, like her cancer returning.

Cancer. I repress a shudder at the thought as Scully shakes her head. If Scully's cancer returned I'm not sure what I would do. 

"No," she responds softly, I wonder if she knows what I am thinking, I know she is afraid of the cancer, I told her once that I was afraid of the same thing. I pull the covers of the bed back and pull her shoes off gently. 

"I just want to be warm," is her quiet plaint that has just the barest trace of a plea hidden beneath it. She slips in between the sheets, blowing out a sigh, I know she is frustrated at her plight. I settle in behind her and embrace her from behind, warming her with my own body. I can feel her body relax into mine as I recall another night not so long ago when I held her like this, a night brought on by years of love and destiny.

"Thank you," she mumbles with a smile and a soft chuckle, her voice is slightly muffled by the pillow she has her face pressed into. I rest my head against her neck and nod slightly, I would do anything for you Scully, are my thoughts, I love you, but I do not dare to say them aloud. Instead we remain in contemplative silence for a few moments. I can feel her body relaxing against me, but she remains on edge, I think perhaps nervous, or apolegetic for coming to me like this. The image of her and the baby from earlier in the day remains in my mind. I had never really thought of Scully as a mother, she had told me once that she wanted children, while we were on that dreadful case in Home Pennsylvania. I had made some remark about 'uber-Scullys' back then, but that's when I really started to consider it. After the cancer, and we discovered she was barren, I was almost as distressed as she was. Somehow I always knew that Scully and I would end up together in the end, I always pictured us in twenty years married, with little red haired- hazel eyed children running around. 

I will never forget the day I held Scully's ova in my hands and felt that overwhelming sense of loss, that was the day my perfect picture had been destroyed. 

When I had first met Emily I had fallen in love with her almost at once, just because she came from Scully. No one at that funeral was upset as my partner, but I'm sure I came close. Her grief just compounded my grief that I felt at losing the little girl that hadn't even been mine, but Emily had been Scully's, even if only for a few days. Emily had been the daughter of the woman I loved most in the world, and when she too had died, I watched my partner's heart break. Watching her with that baby today brought all that back. I won't stand by any longer and watch my partner's heart break. 

I press my hand gently to her stomach, wishing that she could have a child that she wanted, I wish that the slight curve I feel to her abodomen is a child, rather than spare weight she must have gained since the last time I held her like this. I almost frown at this, the curve doesn't feel like normal fat, but that's not what I should be concerning myself with right now.

"It's not worth it, Scully," I say at last. She shifts slightly in my arms and I can practically feel her frown. "What?" she asks quietly. I think perhaps she knows, that she has been thinking about it too.

I wrinkle my forehead slightly, my heart aches at her beauty, she feels so good in my arms. I don't want her to go, two years ago I was begging her to stay, pledging how much I love her without ever saying the actual words

But I can't make her stay any longer, I won't allow her heart to break anymore, even if it means breaking my own heart in the process. 

"I want you to go home, Scully," I murmur against her skin. 

"Mulder I'm going to be fine," there is a slight waver in her voice and I wonder again at her strength, and those words. We both know that she may not be fine this time, or next time, but she is Scully, she will always be fine until proven otherwise. 

"No, no, I've been thinking about it... Looking at you today, holding that baby..." I can feel the hitch in her breath as she realizes what I mean. "Knowing everything that has been taken away from you: a chance for motherhood, your health, and that baby..." I can see a glimmer of tears in the corner of her eye. I draw in a silent sob, not wanting her to know how hard this is for me to say. I don't know why I bother, Scully always knows. 

"I think, maybe they're right," I swallow hard and unconsciously pull her tighter. 

"Who?" there is a silent question in her voice, as if she is asking me why I should be saying this now, after all we've been through. 

"The FBI," I can hear her sigh gently. "Maybe what they say is true, but for all the wrong reasons. It's the personal costs that are too high," I stroke her smooth cheek tenderly, my heart quietly breaking in my chest as the words slip out. "There's so much more you need to do with your life," I kiss her neck delicately, wanting to remember this moment forever, keeping the feel of her right now in my heart before I try to let go of her. "So much more than this..." I can feel her heart beating against my fingers. I savor the sensation of of the steady beat, knowing how many times it could have stopped because of me. I fight the urge to pinch myself to see if this moment is real, that Scully is here and alive, and in my arms. But if it is a dream, I don't want to wake up. 

She clasps my hand in hers and grips it gently, at her amiable touch I can practically feel my wall of resolve crumbling. I swore that I would let her go, let her walk away without regret. But her touch could throw my pledge to the wind. I try one last time to reinforce my periphery, "There's got to be an end, Scully..."

She opens her mouth slightly, searching for words and finding none. So she remains silent for the moment and simply draws my hand to her mouth in a soft kiss. 

The walls come down around me, crumbling at her feet into dust. I can feel wetness on my fingertips and I realized that she is crying. Her shoulders shudder against my chest and I shake my head, pulling her closer. 

She stirs in my embrace and for a moment, I am terrified that she is pulling away from me. But instead she turns and meets my eyes, my arms remain loose around her. She releases my hand and wraps her arms around me, enfolding me in her warmth this time. She buries her head in my chest and is quiet for a long time, her tears silently spilling out and soaking my shirt. The only movement she makes is her shoulders as they shake beneath my hand. My other hand has found her head, and is clutching her to me in desperation.

When her sobs have stilled she lifts her head and meets my eyes. "Why now, Mulder? Why should it end now?" 

I am afraid that if I don't look away I will be lost in those swirling blue pools and I will tell her the real reason. I avert my eyes, turn my head to one side, only to find it tilted back oh so gently by one small, slender hand. 

"Mulder, talk to me," is her quiet command. I fear that I have already lost myself, how could I be so foolish? Without her I am nothing. 

"I just want you to be happy, Scully," her eyes implore me. "I am happy Mulder," she persists. I shake my head, "No, you've lost so much, and I love you too much to stand by any longer and watch you lose more," I stroke her hair, unaware of what I have just said, and why she has gone rigid in my arms. 

I frown and tilt her head up again, forcing her eyes to meet mine. There is something in her eyes that astounds me, I can see love there, and yet I see fear. 

"What is it?" I ask her softly, she shakes her head and raises an eyebrow out of habit. 

"You said you loved me," she comments, not so much a question, but a plea. It's then that I realize that she really doesn't know, she doesn't grasp how much I love her. 

"Of course I love you, Scully, I fell in love with you a long time ago, but that's not what matters anymore."

The other eyebrow lifts to join it's twin. "Why doesn't it matter?" her voice trembles ever so slightly and I wonder how we got here. Just a few moments ago I was telling her to leave me and now I was telling her that I was in love with her, what is wrong with me?

"Because you can't be happy with me, because it's not fair for me to make you stay any longer. Because my love has done nothing over the years but hurt you," my voice is low and I curse the tears that form in my eys, I refuse to let them fall. Scully stares at me for a long time, my gaze falls away from her penetrating eyes and I curse myself again. 

"Mulder," her voice brings me back to her and I meet her eyes slowly, guilt tearing at my soul. "Mulder, I _want _to be with you. I've lost my health, yes, but I had it returned to me from a cure," she moves one hand to my face and trails my cheekbone with one slender finger. I close my eyes, relishing in her touch and fearing her words.

"You saved me," she whispers. "You made me a whole person," my eyes snap open at this, the hallway outside my apartment during a sultry summer night two years ago I had said the same thing to her, I hadn't thought that she remembered...

"Mulder I lost my chance for motherhood, and yes I grieve for the children I never got to have," her eyes darken. "And the one I lost, every day of my life. But that is in the past. Mulder there is nothing for me without you, I don't want a baby if it's not yours, I don't want a life without you, I love you."

For a moment, I forget how to breathe. Everything is still as I process her words, she loves me? She wants to have my baby?

Scully lowers her eyeslashes, masking the expression in her eyes. "I'm sorry, but there will never be an end for us Mulder, and you have to face that."  
I want to weep at the emotion in her voice, in the steadfast trust she has that we will always be together. "How can you be so sure?" I ask her, struggling to keep the fear out of my voice. She glances up and I know that my attempts are again useless to her, she can read it all in my eyes. 

"I just know, I know in the way I know when you are near, in the way we have been seperated so many times before, in many ways, and we have always found our way back to each other. I know in the way that I always know when you are hurt or sad, or scared. I know because I can feel it in my soul, because you are my soulmate, that's how I know Mulder, so don't ever doubt how much I love you, don't ever doubt it." Her voices ends in a whisper and I pull her closer, I'm not sure if I will be able to stop touching her. 

"I love you, Scully," is all I can whisper. She reaches for me, presses a finger to my lips and grins, "I know," she whispers. Then she pulls my mouth to hers and I am lost in her, to her. 

~ ~ ~ ~ 

There is darkness all around me, pierced only by flickering red beams of lasers and faint starlight that shines through the treetops. I wish you were here with me Scully, instead of Skinner. 

Skinner? Where is Skinner? I'm not sure anymore, I am drawn to this spot in the middle of the forest, I feel as though I cannot control my actions. 

I can feel the weight of your cross on my chest, over my heart, where you will always remain. I did not want to leave you Scully, I did not want to walk away then, something keeps drawing me back. Something is telling me that I should leave these woods and get back to Washington, as soon as I can, get back to you. 

But there is this light now, it makes it hard to see. I still can't find Skinner, I hope he hasn't gotten lost. 

I was wondering earlier, on my way out here, and away from you, why our last meeting was so cryptic, why we both felt that it would be the last time we would see each other. Why you gave me your cross. 

I stand here now, gazing at the group of people in the forest, and I know. I do not want to go to them, I want to run as far away from here as fast as I can, but something draws me towards them.

Standing amidst the other abductees I feel welcomed for the first time in my life, but I don't care, I just want you Scully, I just want to be anywhere but here. 

I recognize these people, but none more so than the one who enters the circle of light after me. 

It is then that I realize what a mistake I have made.   
I stare the alien bounty hunter in the eye, feeling the cold evilness there and only one thought occurs to me. 

Forgive me Scully, I should not have come. 

I love you Scully, don't blame yourself. 

I will be back Scully, I promise.

End

I couldn't help ending it like that. 

::Sniffle:: Did anyone else cry?


End file.
